Midget sex pt 2 tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
