final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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