you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
