Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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