I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
