Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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