I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
