did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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