In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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