your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All the doctor said was why
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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