I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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