Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
