I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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