he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
