he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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