How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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