So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
