He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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