Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
