I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
