The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
