Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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