Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
