I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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