dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Houston, we have a squirter
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
