2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
