dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
