You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
