Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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