all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
