somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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