I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
