i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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