don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is the high leading the old right now
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
