some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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