I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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