i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
