you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
