I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
