My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
