"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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