I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
