Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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