I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
