I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
