We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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