3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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