Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Mom said you looked used
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't turn off my feet"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
