And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
