all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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